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but it is good to be back :)

yes i was absent for a while . due to a rather embarrassing fone problem LOL ..

what i thought was messed up fone lines .. turned out to be a doggie gnawed on fone CORD lmfao





i think it best that i NOT write about ... what went on with me while i was in self induced (unfortunately lmfao) seclusion ... it was NOT a good time ..



one thing rang resoundingly in my head and brought up fears even bigger than _I_ knew i had ...



ever heard that old saying

outta sight outta mind?





yes i have silly fears .. but they are MY fears ... amd sometimes they are ALL that i have...



perhaps later i will post up some of the images i made while i was gone .... some of them ... looking at them now ... sadden ME too Dear...



i said to You today ... that sometimes.. the words that i place on images are just the first thing that comes to mind when i look at a finished image.. and i meant it .. its true ... sometimes thats ALL THE WORDS ARE... a reaction to the image.....



sometimes ... my darkness is ever darker than i realize ...

SOmething quite...incredible happened



i cant let myself go into to many details lol as too many here would wrinkle up their collective noses and call me crazy... but trust me .. it WAS incredible ...



i felt it .. and though the bond was tenuous ... by GAWD it was there ....



it left me . exhausted... it left me .. exhilarated....



for a few moments afterwards.... there was a slight headache... nothing unbearable . its hard to explain, and it was gone, the headache .... honestly within five minutes





tonight .... though .... on a different note ...



there is great fear in my heart.... and nothing..... and i HAVE TRIED .......

nothing eases it.



it doesnt come from the the happenings of earlier today .... that will remain one of the brighter spots in my life ....

the fear is something more



all i can do is hope ... that what i was able to accomplish ... was enough



take that with you i said .... and i meant it ...

take that with you i said .... and i gave it

take that with you i said .... and come back to me

i meant

writing this journal entry gives me





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YAY.



i awoke this morning, with .. i dunno, its heavier this morning than it even normally is, and fuck it all the NORMAL is bad enuff :(



i dont have the gifts of others, clarity of gift i should say. It never comes to me with intention and meaning, it just comes to me as ... something.... shadowed and hidden and sometimes as an annoyance and nagging... that just doesnt go away.



sometimes i wish it wasnt there ..... i HATE knowing theres something and not knowing WHAT



i DO know... someone close to my heart .. was injured last night... and i believe that is part of the .. heaviness ..



but there is more .. something that feels more *me* .. i cant explain it any better



perhaps it is just the STILL IMPENDING return of my Dad...... but i dont think so ..



it ... fuck i dont know



something hurts

If she ever finds out i posted this lol ...



This is my oldest daughter Holly . playing and singing a song a friend of hers loves and wanted to her to learn ....

today is a day for a smile ...



today Bunka turns eleven . OMG !!! .. i just got home from getting her birthday cake... i think she is going to like it its halloween=-ish lol .. lotsa purple :)



and earlier today .. the first time i logged into vr, i had an AMAZING wonderful message in my inbox ....



________________________________________





From:

Profile for HiddeninDarkness

HiddeninDarkness



08:35:05

Oct 23 2007



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With great pleasure I can inform you that you have won 2nd place in the Hedgewitch contest for the story you submitted. Congratulation!



This comes with the prize of Vampire Rave Tshirt.



Please send me the person’s name, size and address the t-shirt is to be gifted to.



Please take the time to see your work in the HedgeWitch using the link in the main forum.



We thank you for your work, and encourage you to keep writing.



Happy Halloween!



_______________________________________





WHOOOOOP !!!!!!!!!!!!



i needed that bright spot ....

i am so honored to have recieved this .. as i KNOW the kind of talent that runs so rampant here on VR .. i needed the boost lol for more than one reason LOL

Welcome KamarillaKaine



Your Status:

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dear readers.... of me talking about her?



shes so ..... BAH i cant even come up with a good word



shes my rock

shes my backbone (how ironic is that? lol)

shes my shoulder

shes my sister from my heart and shes sometimes ... the only thing that keeps me together



i have said before here somewhere ... that i envy her at times . her strength .. her passion ... her ability to express herself in a way i wish i could ...



lol .. well she QUITE the writer .. to see her say the things she did about ME ... makes the bond i feel for her even stronger... to see her ... VENOMOUSLY attacking with words .. to defend me .. to support me to love me . . i cant begin to describe how it made me feel





and KNOWING ... that even though they are just words in a journal .... they were words from her heart... words i know i can believe



and i know she will find her way in here eventually lol just as i always find my way to hers ...



i luff you g/f

thank you Darkness79, for your permission to reprint this here :)

just when i thought



i might be good enough

i might be someones "the one"

i might know what it felt like someday and that

everything was gonna be alright someday



i get reminded



that i never will be

that i never will be

that i will never know and

that it never will be





and i still love you